I love a good book. Now throw in some cultural shifts and philosophies on raising teens from one of the happiest countries in the world and I’m all in. Long been concluded that the teen years are difficult, no parent wants to assume that this will be their fate. Surely not, until we find ourselves in the midst of attitudes and growing desires for independence. But in Denmark, parents seem to have cracked the code on how to raise happy, well-adjusted teens without losing their minds in the process.
Enter The Danish Way of Raising Teens by Iben Sandahl—a book that offers a refreshingly relaxed, trust-based approach to parenting during the teen years. If you’ve ever wondered if there’s a way to get through adolescence without constant battles over curfews, questionable fashion choices, and excessive screen time, this book has some pretty solid insights.
Trust: The Secret Sauce of Parenting Teens
Danish parents believe that trust is the foundation of any good parent-teen relationship. And no, this doesn’t mean blindly assuming your kid will always make great choices (spoiler alert: they won’t). It means creating a relationship where teens want to be honest because they know they won’t be met with immediate judgment or punishment.
“Trust is like the glue between teenager and parent that makes you close to each other, in a shared, deep commitment.” – Iben Sandahl【27】.
Basically, Danish parents give their kids a long leash, and—shocker—it actually works. When teens feel trusted, they are more likely to act responsibly because they don’t want to break that trust.
Try This at Home:
- Instead of assuming your teen is up to no good, assume they’re trying their best.
- Give them some independence, but let them know you’re always there if they need guidance.
- Keep communication open, and don’t freak out if they tell you something that makes you want to scream into a pillow.
Hygge: The Art of Cozy Parenting
In Denmark, families practice hygge—that warm, cozy, connected feeling that’s usually associated with candles, hot cocoa, and thick woolen socks. But for parents of teens, hygge means creating a home environment where kids feel safe, welcome, and not constantly judged for their life choices.
Danish parents make sure that home is a place where their teens want to be—not just somewhere they sleep between social events.
Bring More ‘Hygge’ Into Your Parenting:
- Have regular chill time together, even if it’s just watching a show or sharing a meal.
- Create a “no pressure” zone at home—somewhere your teen knows they can just be.
- Don’t interrogate them the moment they walk through the door. Give them space to decompress before launching into questions about their day.
‘Pyt’—The Magical Word That Saves Sanity
Now, let’s talk about the most Danish thing ever: the word pyt (pronounced “poot”). It doesn’t translate directly into English, but it’s basically Denmark’s way of saying “Oh well, never mind.”
Danish teens (and parents!) use pyt as a way to let go of small annoyances. Didn’t get invited to a party? Pyt. Messed up a homework assignment? Pyt. Spilled coffee on your white hoodie? Major pyt. This doesn’t mean ignoring emotions—it just means learning to distinguish between what’s worth stressing over and what isn’t.
How You Can Use ‘Pyt’ in Your Life:
- Model the behavior—when you get stuck in traffic, instead of raging, say “Pyt” and move on.
- Teach your teen that not every little setback is the end of the world (even if it feels like it is).
Let Teens Rebel (a Little)
Danish parents have figured out that the harder you push against teenage rebellion, the more intense it becomes. Instead of strict rules that make their teens feel suffocated, they let them test their boundaries within reason.
Iben Sandahl explains that teenage rebellion isn’t just normal—it’s necessary. Teens need to distance themselves from their parents for a while to figure out who they are. If parents try to clamp down too hard, it often backfires【27】.
How You Can Embrace This:
- Accept that your teen will reject some of your values—at least temporarily.
- Instead of saying, “Because I said so,” explain why rules exist.
- Pick your battles. Let them dye their hair green if they want, but hold firm on things that actually matter (like safety).
Normalize the Awkward Stuff
Danish parents are pros at talking about all the uncomfortable topics—without making it weird. Instead of treating these topics as taboo, they have open, honest discussions. Sandahl suggests using a calm, non-judgmental approach when discussing serious issues. The goal is to make your teen feel comfortable coming to you when they need help【27】.
How You Can Do This:
- Talk about tricky topics before they become urgent.
- Listen more than you lecture.
- Make it clear that no topic is off-limits.
I have always been very interested in different cultural parenting perspectives and how their strategies create success outside of our “American norms.” I don’t think this book offers such dramatically different ideas on raising teens than those we are used to, but having a collective society that is consistent with these ideals may make an overall difference. If you like book reviews, check out my other Expat Book Club post Misunderstood.
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